Why Married Couples Start Taking Each Other for Granted (and How to Prevent It)

Marriage is often pictured as the ultimate promise of love, support, and companionship. Yet somewhere deep in the daily rhythms — shared chores, bills, routines, long familiarity — many couples begin to feel unseen, underappreciated, or taken for granted. But does marriage itself cause this, or is it something that people bring into marriage (or fail to guard against)?

What People Are Saying Online

Several forums echo a widely shared pattern:

• In r/Marriage, someone posted “Being taken for granted : r/Marriage” and wrote: “I took all of the good qualities for granted. I lost sight of our marriage as a gift … started treating it like a chore.” 

• Another user in r/AskWomen described consciously using small “crutches” — notes, reminders, rituals — to help appreciate their partner: “It takes some conscious effort... practice not expecting things and be thankful when they’re done/given.” 

• In r/Divorce, someone reflecting back said that once they realized the things their partner had done for them, they regretted how much they’d assumed those gestures would simply always be there. 

Many questions are framed like: “How do I stop taking my spouse for granted?” or “Why do people in long-term marriage stop noticing the small things?” Answers often point to familiarity, complacency, lack of effort, and failing to communicate what gratitude looks like. (“We assume the other person knows,” “We stop seeing the little kindnesses.”)

Psychological & Relationship Research: What Helps Us Understand

To go beyond anecdotes, psychological theory and relationship science offer insights into why this phenomenon arises and how to combat it:

1. The “Honeymoon Phase” Fades
   Early in marriage (or in any close relationship), novelty heightens gratitude, admiration, excitement. Over time, life’s routines, responsibilities, conflicts, and familiarity reduce that novelty. That tends to reduce the stimulus for conscious gratitude. We may begin taking the other’s presence, kindnesses, or sacrifices for granted simply because they are expected.

2. Expectation, Entitlement, and Complacency
   As marriage deepens, partners often develop expectations — implicitly: “This is what you should do” (housework, emotional support, time together). When these become assumed rather than chosen, they lose their power to feel special. Psychological entitlement (expecting certain behaviors without appreciation) can quietly erode the sense of mutual gratitude.

3. Attention & Perception Bias
   Humans tend to notice negative behaviors more easily than positive ones (negativity bias). Over time this means the small “niceties” or favors we once noticed are filtered out — they become part of the background noise. We remember when the partner fails rather than when they do.

4. Communication Breakdown
   When we stop talking about what we need, or fail to express appreciation, we lose feedback loops. Without feedback, a partner may assume everything is fine, or that efforts are invisible or unneeded. Silence can be mistaken for indifference.

5. Emotional Load & Life Stress
   Parenthood, jobs, illness, financial pressures, aging — any of these can reduce emotional reserves. When one or both partners are heavily burdened, taking things for granted becomes almost an adaptive mechanism: prioritizing survival (getting through the day) over appreciation rituals.

Signs That Your Partner May Be Feeling Taken for Granted

Here are common signs from real people (from Reddit etc.):

• Expressing feelings of being more like roommates than romantic partners. 

• “I feel like I’m begging for attention/time” or “I do ×, ×, × and it doesn’t seem to matter.” 

• Noticing that kind words, surprises, affection have become rare.

• Growing resentment: small things irritate, old issues are dredged up.

Can Marriage Force Us into Taking a Partner for Granted?

Marriage doesn’t inevitably make you take someone for granted, but certain structural and psychological conditions increase the risk. Some factors:

• Duration + routine — the longer together, the more routines.

• Living together — shared space means less “wow” moments, more shared responsibilities.

• Children/Shared obligations — kids, bills, work, extended family often pull energy away.

• Cultural / Gender norms — expectations around roles can create invisible labor and assumptions (“they should just know”, “this is what wives/husbands do”) that prevent acknowledgment.

How to Reverse the Pattern: Acts & Mindsets That Help

What are people doing (or suggesting) to stop taking each other for granted?

• Practicing conscious gratitude every day. It can be small: thanking them for coffee, noticing when they do something helpful.

• Regular “check-in” conversations, where each partner shares what they appreciate and what they feel might be slipping.

• Surprise gestures: not always big gifts, but unexpected kindness. A note, a spontaneous date night, doing a chore the other dislikes.

• Remember the “why”: reflecting on what made you choose them, what you admired early on, what you miss. That can reignite empathy.

• Rituals of connection: shared hobbies, date nights, time away without distractions. Even small rituals can recalibrate connection.

Final Thoughts

Yes — marriage can lead us to take our partner for granted, but it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s not marriage itself in some mystical sense, but the ways we allow routine, expectation, assumption, and stress to erode our awareness, gratitude, and care. The good news: awareness is the turning point. When couples commit to seeing each other — really seeing, appreciating, communicating — then even after decades, love can feel fresh again. 

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